So, Deal With It!
In a recent post (Resistance is Futile…NOT!), we looked at identifying resistance that could result in sabotaging our goals. The resistance we discussed is not the stuff we encounter from the outside world – friends, family, competitors, environment and such. The most crippling resistance is that which is within ourselves.
We talked about how the inner resistance can sabotage everything we are trying to accomplish. It can manifest as a pain (often in the gut) every time you think of your goal. It can even come up as words or concept or feeling/knowing when you state your goal.
Coaches and therapists are very familiar with this inner resistance. They call it secondary gain… the gain you get from your problem or status quo. Some call it the “yeah, buts” because it can respond like an inner voice saying “Yeah, but…” whenever you try to move toward your goal. This is just like some people in our lives who always have a reason why we can’t do whatever it is we are proposing.
So, how do we deal with this inner resistance if we have it?
Before we can deal with it, we have to determine if it is valid.
If it is, then don’t do what you were going to do or else find a way to modify your goal to handle it.
Examine the “Yeah, but…” and see if it has a valid point.
As an example, let’s take a look at Mary (not her real name). She was about 100 pounds overweight and wanted to lose that extra weight. She came up with three “yeah, buts”. The three she had were no surprise as they are pretty common to this particular goal.
“Yeah, but if I lose weight I will have to get a whole new wardrobe and that is expensive.” Some people replace “that is expensive” with “I can’t afford it.” Either way, they don’t want to spend the money on more clothes. In Mary’s case, she had a decent income, but couldn’t afford to replace her complete wardrobe three or more times (as she dropped sizes.)
Is that a valid point? It certainly can be. Are there alternatives to a new wardrobe? Are there creative ways to replace your wardrobe inexpensively? Yes, especially since you would be passing through several sizes (in them temporarily on your way to a permanent, smaller size.) Since it is a transition wardrobe, you don’t have to replace your entire closet with the new (transition) size. A few coordinated pieces that mix and match can be quite effective (and much less expensive.) Additionally, there may resale shops and clothing co-ops where members swap out clothes to reduce the cost factor of the transition wardrobe.
Mary ended up doing both of the options above. She shopped resale shops for just the right outfits that would mix and match. As a result of her careful shopping, her new coordinated outfits cost less than one of her previous dresses that was purchased new at an upscale shop that catered to large women.
Another “yeah, but” for Mary was one that often turns up for others, too, “I will have to give up everything I enjoy eating in order to lose weight.”
Is that a valid point? It can be. Certain diets are notorious for only allowing you to eat foods that will reduce your weight quickly. These are not typically effective in the long term. And one of the reasons they are not effective is that they don’t take the human body and the human brain (human nature) into account.
The most effective weight-loss diets, however, factor in the need for comfort foods occasionally. They craft a plan that allows you to enjoy eating while still losing weight. If you follow one of these plans, the “yeah, but” is not valid.
In Mary’s case, she picked a diet plan that would take a little longer to reach her target weight but it allowed her to have “stress release” snacks on occasion. The extra calories were built into the overall plan and still let her have chocolate cake and certain other things she really liked… on occasion. For Mary, it worked because she was committed to reaching her goal (and after removing the internal resistance so she didn’t have to work against herself.)
Mary had one more “yeah but” surface… and this one was really the core. It turns out to be pretty common in weight loss sabotage. “Yeah, but what if I lose weight and no one thinks I am attractive, then? I couldn’t bear the rejection.”
Now let me state that this issue is one that may need the help of a therapist to address. If you address it on your own (or with a coach) and don’t get the freedom or results you want, then I encourage you to find a therapist to help with this. (I have seen good results by individuals on their own, and also with the help of a good therapist — psychologist, hypnotherapist, EFT practitioner, etc.)
Back to the “yeah, but”. Is that valid? It is a very real fear. But it is no different than what people of every size, shape, and hair color <wink> feel. We all want to be accepted and liked. We all need to feel attractive.
That said, it will be very hard for this particular fear to really come to pass. Humanity has such a diversity in taste and attraction that it is virtually guaranteed that there are others who find any (and all) of us attractive. And with the world shrinking every day (through the internet and telecommunications) it gets easier and easier to find those who are part of our “tribe”.
Mary dealt with this particular issue in two ways. She knew some EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) already and used that to begin addressing the fear of rejection. With that fear reduced, she was freed up to do some brainstorming and she came up with the recognition that she could start maximizing her appearance right away.
She got a professional makeover for her hair and makeup right away. She immediately began garnering compliments that bolstered her self-esteem. That gave her the encouragement to get with a wardrobe consultant who helped her learn what to look for as she selected her transition wardrobe.
In the end, Mary found out that all those things that had been sabotaging her previous efforts could be eliminated once she became aware of them and addressed them. And yes, Mary did reach her goal… and maintained it easily.
While I have used weight-loss as an example, the “yeah buts” turn up for just about every goal that you set yourself. It is important to recognize them and acknowledge them in order to move toward your goal unhindered.
In an upcoming post, we will cover how to handle the “yeah, but” when it isn’t really valid (for your particular situation and context.)
Your turn. Have you had the “yeah, buts”? How did you handle them? Use the comments and share your story with us.
Tags: inner resistance, self-sabotage, success